Talk Dirty To Me: But First, Tell Your Husband

Friday, June 20, 2014 by Meg   •   Filed under Sexuality/Relationships

Sometimes, happy couples have shitty sex lives because of a disconnect between what partners are thinking and what they say. 

“I want her to be happy, but everything just gets so…hard. And I never know when it’s going to be hard and when it isn’t.”

“That’s what she said.”

He laughed. 

“No, seriously, sir, that's what she said. You guys need to talk more.”

“That’s what she said” is a phrase I want to say more often. Not because I love a good sexual innuendo (which I obviously do), but because if she actually “said” it , I wouldn’t feel obliged to.

It’s the therapist credo, to show people ways to help themselves. But people expect that we will share the things they want their spouse to know in couple’s therapy. Sorry, unless you’re actively plotting to kill him—and have a weapon at the ready—I don’t have an obligation to tell him anything.

Unsatisfied with your sex life? I’ll tell you a secret, ladies: he probably has no fucking idea. And you’ll have to clue him in.

Why is this so difficult for us? 

While we are ready and willing to clarify preferences about when we need the garbage taken out and how we like our hair cut, women are often less than forthcoming in the bedroom. This may be partially to do with social norms that glorify the virginal, chaste female, an ideal that flies in the face of evolutionary process. We are also taught in subtle ways throughout our lives that the sexual urges of others are somehow our responsibility, leading to pressure in the marital bed. 

We feel guilty for normal urges. We feel guilty for not enjoying it as much as we think we should. We don’t want to look like a frigid bitch. It leads many to put up with an unsatisfying, frustrating routine that can actually lead us deeper into sexual negativity with every less than awesome experience. A pattern of anxious, obligatory sex, despite the fact that it is not an actual obligation. Many women masturbate privately for pleasure while offering sex on an “as-needed- to-make-him-shut-up” basis.

But again: your husband is not a mind reader. If you’re not complaining, he probably thinks he’s doing great. And if he does know something is amiss, trust me, he probably wants to make you happy. But he might not know how.

Do you know? Are you paying attention? Way too many aren’t. After a while, we go thorough the motions, staring at the ceiling thinking about everything but the sex. That doesn’t help. Orgasm is achieved at the height of calm, a complex system of arousal and chemical release. Wondering whether you paid a bill, what homework the kids didn’t finish or when you’re going to do that big project for work can all wait. Orgasm lives in our brains, far more complex than the male orgasm.

If saying those random thoughts out loud would be a turn off, try to turn it off inside your head.

“Baby, you make me so hot.”
“Oh crap, I still have to change the sheets that Junior peed on last night.”
What are you, R. fucking Kelly? Let it go for a twenty minutes.

Pay attention to what does turn you on. And if you really don’t know, you need to find out. Practice makes perfect, but if you have trouble alone, don’t feel guilty about getting some assistance. If you’re too shy to start out with him on that experimental journey, vibrators are one of the cheapest forms of therapy there is. Buy one or two or five until you figure out what does it for you. Just watch the speed, ladies, because there’s a fine line between, “Ohhhh,” and, “Ouch.”

And once you find your sweet spot, for pete’s sake, tell him about it. He wants to know. He needs to know. The more you get off, the more in the mood you’ll be. It isn’t that hard to be in the mood more often when there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

But don’t expect him to know without your insight and don’t wait until you’re in therapy talking about sexual stagnation. Don’t put me in that position. Hell, don’t ask me to discuss position at all. I definitely don’t want to tell him about your R. Kelly fascination.

Because of all the things that make life difficult, this shouldn’t be so hard. And if you can’t figure out what’s wrong, you might have to go deeper. Don’t get stuck. You need to get on top of this and just spit it out.

And that’s what she said.

Related Posts:

Topic-Relevant Resources

The Woman That Never Evolved: With a New Preface and Bibliographical Updates, Revised Edition
Anthropology, wit and the evolution of the modern female.

Should You Leave?: A Psychiatrist Explores Intimacy and Autonomy--and the Nature of Advice
Psychiatrist Peter Kramer on the complex relationships between two people and how personal assessments of situations may lead to better overall functioning within couples...or the drive to separate.

Everything you ever wanted to know about the connections between your vagina and your brain. It's worth the read.

Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm (Paperback) - Common
Sex and increasing the capacity for orgasm. You know you want to read it.